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Still trying to change your spouse?

The way your spouse dominates conversations at parties drives you crazy. Or maybe your spouse鈥檚 fixation on keeping an immaculate house exhausts you. Even after decades together, you may be still hankering to change your spouse in some way. 

鈥淧eople love to 鈥榝ix,鈥� change, or control others to make them more like themselves,鈥� says Tony Ferretti, Ph.D., a psychologist and co-author of Change Your Life, Not Your Wife: Marriage-Saving Advice for Success-Driven People. 鈥淭hey justify this desire with the rationalization that if a spouse were to change, he or she would be much happier, better as a person, and would experience life more positively. In some cases, people struggle with insecurities and want to focus on the spouse鈥檚 problems as a way to feel better about themselves.鈥� 

But the reality is, you can鈥檛 change your spouse. The harder you try, the less successful you鈥檒l be, Dr. Ferretti says. 鈥淣o one likes to be told what to do or how he or she should be different.鈥� 

Instead, try looking inward and putting that energy into making changes in yourself and your relationship鈥檚 issues, advises Dr. Ferretti. (The exception, of course, is if you鈥檙e worried about destructive habits such as drinking, gambling, or abusive behavior鈥攚hich do require change.)

Some places to start:

• Consider irritations as complements to the relationship. Perhaps his childlike ways are a good counterbalance to your tendency to take life too seriously. Maybe her fanatic obsession with cleaning and organizing prevents the house from turning into total chaos. 
• Reframing differences as gifts that your spouse brings to the relationship will help you see your partner in a new light and make you more appreciative of his or her uniqueness.
• Practice forgiveness. Maybe your spouse can鈥檛 help pinching pennies or always running late. 鈥淔orgiveness for aggravations like these builds relationships and helps you let go of disappointment, hurt, and sadness鈥攌nowing that certain expectations likely will not be met,鈥� Dr. Ferretti says.
• Keep a positive reminder. Jot down your spouse鈥檚 best traits to help keep you cognizant of all the good. If you鈥檙e comfortable, it鈥檚 even better to do this together as a marriage-building exercise.
• Value 鈥測ou鈥� time. Spend time doing things that don鈥檛 involve your partner. 鈥淐ouples need an individual identity and ways to experience fulfillment and happiness independent of their relationship,鈥� Dr. Ferretti says. 鈥淥therwise, they may become overly dependent on each other to fulfill all of their needs, which is impossible. In fact, having interests and activities outside of your marriage can bring positive energy, stimulation, and fun to the relationship.鈥� 
• Don鈥檛 forget to laugh. Tame tension by seeking out humor鈥攆or example, recalling funny moments or spending time with others who make you laugh. 鈥淟aughter can restore a positive emotional connection, defuse negative emotions, and increase intimacy,鈥� Dr. Ferretti says. 鈥淗umor creates happier marriages and closer relationships.鈥� That said, the humor should never be at the expense of your partner.
• Invest in the relationship, not in changing your partner. 鈥淪uccessful marriages are a partnership of equals whereby each partner takes responsibility for (and only for) his or her own feelings, thoughts, and actions,鈥� Dr. Ferretti says.